staring at the airway in my dark room...
thinking back of what have i done...
snap!!!

thinking the day i crack myself and do something stupid is near if I don't find a solution fast...
HELP!!!! I cried in my mind few punches to the wall feeling sorry for doing it
not helping but to injured myself...
sitting in front of my buddha and chantting...
hoping it'll make me recover fast but so long i'm not clear in my mind it'll be a waste effort...
begging my god to help me over come my situation... AMITABHA...AMITABHA...AMITABHA

........

another day that didn't heal anything from previous...
i think i lost the strength to even do a simple charity like i learn long time ago...
from a wise person [ ppl don't have to do big charity always... so wat if you do lot of charity and neglect your family... do simple charity by caring ppl around you or close to you... eg. helping your mum with house chore and other stuff...]
but those i care and like seems to just "POOF" away... and i'm hurting those i care...
and me myself contribute 30% of the reason.. or maybe 90%
i'm in a fantasy of life now...
learning everyone around me...
teaching stuff that i can see them using it
to say he'll be doing this then a while later he's doing tat...
even to get some advise~~ don't bother that much how you feel
i do wish i can wish for something... but that something will hurt more ppl... so its better not to wish for tat something...
my role model.... is in a total mess !!!!!!

....

f!@#$%^^&*()

Don't Know...

Recently I've been paranoid over lot of stuff...
or should i say its been always like that but uncontrolable state has been aware lately
if i would ask my buddy... He'll say if you notice a things happen then you're not suffering that illness...
sometimes i wander what he say is right... but for now everything he say I accept that its true :)...
somehow i need to let it out some where...
but where I'm still searching...
but the effect seems to bother my buddy a lot ( that's what i think )
recently almost everything in my mind come out -ve thinking
so far after the incident everyone left one by one seems to becoming a trauma to me...
How to over come???
i always say to myself ( monolog ) "time will wash away everything" like I'm going insane...But when the trauma will fade???
I know what i should be doing...but my body is not listening to it...
and I've become a two headed snake too... doing this in front turning around I'm doing another stuff
and I've seriously selfish for the 1st time...
and its a big wish I've wished for...its still a secret like "it must not be say"

Feelings of Home Alone 2

same event of the year...
and twice I've been alone at home ( Padang )
to say its not fun I don't feel any,
to say its boring I just get the busy feeling
what did i feel anyway
sometimes i just think my friends was right once...
I'm just like no feelings...
or I have too many feelings that until i don't know how to show it
only thing I do most is smile or expressionless...

wanted to try new stuff while alone but don't know what to do...
wanted to read a book, but I don't have the will
wanted to go out for a walk, my feet like a thousand pound heavy
so what I want actually, I don't know -_-

hoping someone will guide me but it seems I'm too dependent on hoping...
but without hoping I live in despair
but can I live without despair~~

so now I'm just doing what i want to pass my times
with lot of things not solved
piling up high like a mountain
and let my sleep wash away everything @_@
waiting the return of my savior ( friends )
so that at least something ( happiness ) is store in my empty brain...

Alone In The Dark

Its so silent that night on that street
The road diverge into 2 up ahead
one to a bright light, crowded with ppl...
Another to a lonely, dark street...
Somehow I manage to hook myself to the lonely dark street and lost my way out
struggling to free myself and yet I fail~~
tough friends are needed but they won't be there forever for me...
they have their live to move on and so do I...
But how can i walk on the road without regretting every step i take???
each step took me away from the crowd...
each step its like a needle poking into my heart....
wanted to cry but its not right to be soft at this very moment...
try to be tough but I don't have enough strength...
Though i look big in size...
but I'm just as fragile as an egg from the inside...
(- _ - )

The Story Of A Dumb Boy( give comment pls)

This is so not fantasy
exam is near and this show that I'm still dumb in my life in some way
I think I'll be the 1st Malaysian guy to be caught on this kind of prank...
Should I or shouldn't I start cursing this kind of people??? That's the question???
things goes like this...
I was busy with something and suddenly I receive a call from an unknown no.
Whom he say he is from Jakarta XL centre... OK I'm still with the guy( which usually I'll just ignore this type of call )
so he just continue saying all kind of stuff like...
what competition due to 18 anniversary of XL user...
So after that he say I've won 5 juta...and 500K credit...
wow man!!!
I knew that this is always a lie...but weirdly I'm still talking with him...
then he ask me something: stupidly I did everything
1)Bank's account I say I don't have my book
2)I give him my card no.
3)I told him my last name Han And he pronounce as " an " in Bahasa Indonesia( as usual)
4)and I do go to the bank as he told too...

4 stupid things i did today...
but one smart things i did...
I ask someone to follow me...

when I reach to the ATM machine
my friend notice that there's a man glancing at me suspiciously as soon as I arrive

then I did as he told, hello 3 times to the phone to connect back the line to him
and it did...
then procedure is enter my card then pin no.
then he ask for the balance of my account
and I told him Rp7,000 in my account only
then he say there should be more than that to enter the competition...

my friend say the guy outside moved away after I told the guy in the phone I got Rp7,000 in my account

with the help of my superb best friend I was able to come home safely
then they say I was being hypnotize by the guy in the phone...
eventually my hearing make a fool out of me....
I heard them saying "ayam notice" instead of 'hipnotis'...
hahaha~~

my friend told me this when we on the way home
which i decide to put in this blog to remind myself :)
[we are not that desperate enough to receive stuff from them, we must earn our own money, spend our own money and not spending money from them]

few weird things happen here
1) The guy call say he is from Jakarta HQ of XL... for a guy working there he should know that he is not suppose to ask things like that on a phone...
2) his voice is quite rough when I say I'm using English with my ATM please talk in English...that's not suppose to be a way to treat a customer whom win a price...that means he don't know how to speak in English and he is not in the line of customer service.
3) he keep on calling me after that... want to continue his trick??? who knows ???
4) am i really hypnotized... "ayam notice"... hahaha...

my brain keep on thinking why??? why am I so stupid to fall to that kind of lie or prank...
is really I'm being hypnotized or I'm doing it on my own free will...
its like a confuse feeling I'm having now...
only thinking of why am i so stupidly fooled by a phone call now...
haiz....
end of the story...